I’ve been thinking a lot about that thing where people with ADHD gravitate to high pressure jobs, because we work better under pressure. We leave things until the last minute, partly because deadlines are invisible, but partly because our brain ramps up and we Get Shit Done in those final moments.
Last week I was overwhelmed at Day Job. There was a lot going on, and a lot of problem solving, and a LOT of it was out of my hands. I was under pressure, yes, but I had very little control over the solving of any of it.
And I realized that there are two types of high-pressure situations: ones where there is a path, however difficult to see, to traverse in order to get to the end, and ones which feel like an exercise in futility.
The former can be excellent for people with ADHD.
Do you know what the report is on, and have you gathered all your data but haven’t bothered to distill it out into an outline? Don’t worry! Sit down, write a twenty page report. You’re good.
Do you know where your story is going, and oh crap, it has to be submitted tomorrow? You’re all set, push those words out.
Work in an ER and you have tons of knowledge of how to resolve all kinds of medical mysteries? Great, when they come rolling in fast and furious, go into overdrive mode and heal the people who need healing.
Broken computer? Fix it. Lost but have a map? Follow the way out! Someone’s having a crisis and you know the answer? Go into assistance mode.
Solvable things in crisis mode work.
Futility sucks.
Because sometimes there is a ton of pressure which has no solution. There’s no path, no way out, just all the pressure bearing down. And the ADHD brain is screaming “great! this is my moment! let me ramp up to 150% and Get Shit Done!” except… nothing gets done.
And the brain is still running at 150%, slowly cranking up even higher, because the shit’s not done. And has to be done. But can’t be done.
It starts a deep spin spiral which really, really sucks.
I’m not talking about the kinds of things where if you take a step back and break them down into smaller pieces, they’re solvable. Yes, those exist. And it’s possible some of my big problems might be those under the hood. But they also depend on other people making their own decisions, or handling the administration, or things above my pay grade, or that happen in times I am simply not available…
Futility is hard.
Once upon a time, I tried to explain what I liked in RPGs (it’s salient, I promise). I truly enjoyed games that dug into things in a realistic way, where relationships mattered, and actions had consequences. But I learned that some GMs took that to mean that stories had to keep getting worse. Harder. There was never a way to… not so much win, but we players couldn’t even succeed. The storylines became futile, and whatever choice was made, for good or ill, the consequence was digging a deeper and deeper grave.
It comes under the same umbrella, I think.
Problems need to have a resolution in order for the brain to be willing to work on them. Otherwise, my brain at least, nopes out and I’m ready to walk away.
I’m not fired up. I’m beaten down and broken.
The catch is, even when the time for dealing with the fire is over, the brain is still very much in nope mode.
And sometimes, even when the things are solvable, there are so damned many of them that by the end of the day, after being in fight-or-flight and rushing to get things done, the brain goes into nope mode.
Which means nothing else gets done. Not even the fun things. Reading? That’d take effort. Writing? The words have fled. Knitting while watching TV? I’d have to open a project bag.
I’ve already spent all the effort for the day.
But those days when everything seems futile, when I’m banging my head against a concrete wall that will never break because I simply do not possess the tools to get through… those are super nope days.
It’s frustrating, because I used to talk about how great it was to work under pressure. I love when something breaks in a non-emergency kind of way, and I can go into fix-it mode. Those are good days. Problem, solved, feel good about life.
I’m curious how neurotypical brains deal with these sorts of futility—the days when nothing can be solved without outside assistance (that isn’t coming). And worse yet, the days when you get blamed for not solving the impossible. Do they have the same level of shutdown overreaction?
Anyway. That’s my Big Thought for the week: sometimes it’s good to be under pressure, and you get a diamond from the coal. Other times all you get is dust.